Secret Window

life as it is

2007-05-12T12:35:53Z

funny on how life seemed so simple when i was still studying. i mean i have this one solid goal of studying hard, graduating with honors, and getting a 'nice' job as soon as i graduate so that i can be of use.

and now? what is my goal?

im been giving into my emotions/caprices lately. i dont do this before. i spend a lot, dont do my work at my best, let my brain stagnate. i havent finished a book in a year!!!!! since i graduated from college! not even a single one. i've done things i never thought i would, said things i shouldnt have.

i feel that my life is stagnant. and that im going nowhere. and yet i am only 21 years old! as my doctor said, ang bata mo pa.

is this what happens after?

but i will get my groove back. mark my words.

and i will do some things i wanted. set my plans into motion as soon as i get the results of my ma application (which i doubt that i'll get considering that i butchered my interview- its a schedule thing. the interview revolved mostly on that topic).

first on my list:

hair!!!! its the hair man.

a pair of rubber shoes. exercise baby.

i feel old.

finestra_54 @ 2007-04-27T14:36:00

2007-04-28T06:17:38Z

~: so whats up with your old man?
~~: what man? he's dead for all i care. burned the bridge by the way
~: so no more contacts at all?
~~: uh-huh
~~: and i know him well enough to know what that means

american beauty

2007-02-25T10:04:59Z

my foot in my mouth

much as i try to think, my thoughts are clouded by stuff which blurs my vision of things.

ah, dont you just love the redundancy?

here's what i know so far:

i am in need of something. that something, i dont know. it could just be all in my mind. but who knows?

so far, there are times when i really surprise myself with the things i say or do. not that its a life changing thing or anything.

thing is...my life needs order. structure. discipline.

change has come. i need to adapt to it.

i should not depend on anybody.

because the thing that you must learn is that you could not really depend on anyone but yourself.

yes, you do have your loved ones, family, and friends. but it all boils down to you and the actions you take, the decisions you make.

i hope i make the best of what life has to offer.

so that when my whole life passes before my eyes the second before i die, i would not have any regrets, but instead, i will have a smile on my face. a peaceful smile, one of satisfaction, of triumph. of happiness.

i am so affected by movies, aren't i?

but this is more than just that.

more.

(am i making sense? refer to my other blog)

closer

2007-02-03T10:08:05Z

what's in a name?

when you know my name, you know me. no pretentions, just me. i hold my name dear, its all i've got that defines me to everybody else. stranger or not. i own it, thus i take care of it.

so when i divulge my name, that only means i trust you.

i trusted you. i told you my name.

i don't know where my actions will lead me to, but they have led me now somewhere. and now i know you, like i never did before.

why do i even think of you? when you didn't even do anything.

nothing.

maybe, i just loathe the fact that i divulged my name, and yet nothing happened.

"its not a war....lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off"

did i lie to you? yes, i did.

did i have fun? no. i did'nt.

i never did.

charging it to experience

2007-02-01T12:32:08Z

apparently, sleep drowns out all the things that bothers you.

for a moment, that is.

and when you wake up in the middle of the night, when you are robbed of sleep for more than an hour, things go inside your mind. and you curse the fact on why you woke up at such time when all the world's asleep and you can't share your thoughts with anybody.

this is what happens when you are deprived of good long conversations with your friends, which is also brought about by the fact that you have mismanaged your savings, also rubbing in the reality that you just have to learn things at an EXPENSIVE cost at times.

first entry for 2007

2007-01-16T13:25:23Z

"how peaceful life would be without love. how safe. how tranquil. how dull."- umberto eco

that sums it up.

new year. new life. new me.

that's what i say.

to my friends: here's to another year filled with adventures and what not-s.

finestra_54 @ 2006-12-24T22:16:00

2006-12-24T14:01:43Z

you should not go out on Christmas eve....

the painful reality crushes your heart into pieces and renders you helpless.

i hope the bloody corrupt politicians choke on their noche buena, be hospitalized, and suffer a great deal. no. i dont wish them to die. they must suffer for what they are doing. wishing them dead wont do a thing.

but, seriously...when will the time come when the Philippines will be lead by someone good, decent, competent, inspiring and moral? i know there is someone out there...someone.

Lord, let me know your will for me.

happy Christmas.

----------
this part of an article summarizes the other thoughts i had in mind...:

Commercialism has turned Christmas into little more than merrymaking. Every year, hotels are fully booked and airline tickets are sold out. Christmas is a time for shopping and partying. For businesses, it is time for making profits.
There is a wide gap between the actual message of Christmas and the general party mood that surrounds the holiday. The World Bank's findings serve to remind us that things are not as rosy as we have been made to believe. There is deep poverty on one hand, and a hedonistic tendency on the other....

"What we need are leaders who are ready to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the people. We do not need their rhetoric," he said.
It was a well-timed reminder for the government to wake up and begin seriously dealing with this country's problems.
For Christians, the life of Jesus Christ encapsulates the true meaning of sacrifice. He went so far as to sacrifice his life for the lives of others.
Sacrifice is a familiar part of all religions. For Christian leaders who refuse to sacrifice themselves, the question can be asked whether they are true Christians.
Christmas is a good time to reflect on this.
There is nothing wrong with celebrating Christmas with a party or a holiday. But also remember the millions of people who are living in poverty.
And be aware of the lure of commercialism and refuse to be carried away by this aspect of the holiday.
We wish all those celebrating Christmas a peaceful and merry holiday.

finestra_54 @ 2006-12-24T00:02:00

2006-12-23T16:03:55Z

ok, i graduated. thanks for the prayers.

but...grr...the hell.

hay..... im not in the mood to rant. next time...

huhu...hindi ko na natuloy yung simbang gabi :C

finestra_54 @ 2006-12-20T23:52:00

2006-12-20T15:52:54Z

there's a possibility that i might not graduate tom.

i am so disappointed with my self right now.

im sorry.

i need prayers.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

finestra_54 @ 2006-11-30T19:32:00

2006-11-30T11:32:09Z

goodbye, Manila's Lite Alternative, K-Lite 1035

i've got over 2 weeks to savor what's left of it.

now i have a reason to buy an ipod.

long live klite!

i passed :)

2006-11-21T12:21:40Z

thank you all so much!!!!!!!

thanks for the prayers! project paper na lang at process improvement. pray that i do well :)

thank you, God :)

God bless us all! :)

finestra_54 @ 2006-11-17T19:48:00

2006-11-17T11:48:15Z

natural born killers

human mature at its best/worst

take your pick.

tarantino. a genuis.

stone. a masterpiece.

and it only cost me Php 75.

happy weekend.

quotes

2006-11-17T09:06:53Z

'some mistakes are too much fun to make only once' (ha! nag hahanap ba ng justification?)

'life is a continuum of pain mitigated only by death.'

and yet:

'i wait not for the one who makes me take a second look, but for the one who makes me never want to look away in the first place.'

may the Lord's will be done.

finestra_54 @ 2006-11-15T21:02:00

2006-11-15T13:02:31Z

Every great magic trick consists of three acts. The first act is called "The Pledge"; The magician shows you something ordinary, but of course... it probably isn't. The second act is called "The Turn"; The magician makes his ordinary some thing do something extraordinary. Now if you're looking for the secret... you won't find it, that's why there's a third act called, "The Prestige"; this is the part with the twists and turns, where lives hang in the balance, and you see something shocking you've never seen before. -The Prestige

thanks for the prayers!

2006-11-09T11:05:20Z

i passed the revalida :)

thank you, God :)

and thank you, as well :)

but there's still the finals... hope we all make it.

prayers are most welcome :)

finestra_54 @ 2006-10-18T10:52:00

2006-10-18T10:54:07Z

sunday.1:39 pm

and so i write again.

i am at a loss. i keep on thinking if i've got what it takes to work at a bank. not because i don't know all the stuff that i must, though i still don't know them until now- heck! i confine myself inside our house and yet i dont study- its more of me. can i do it? can i take the risks?

what do i want? i'm not sure. i'm easy to please . generally, whatever is given to me is fine with me. though lately, i've been indulging myself...hmm...

i can imagine myself working my whole life with the world class local bank. but im not really sure if i can do it.

here's what i know right now: i need this job. like what a good friend said, 'God gives us what we need'. i guess i just have to do my part and leave the rest to Him.

Thursday, 6:59pm

i was almost close to tears late this afternoon. emotional i guess. somehow, im slowly figuring out what i want.

there was this client who was with DOLE, and he just got back from an assignment abroad. at first i though he was from DFA. and so i begin to think of foreign service, of something that is not entirely related to banking. and wham! i start to think of a career other than banking. take note: career. -sigh-

as i've said, i need this job. i just need to focus so that i can pass and graduate. perhaps, if i can pass otp, i can pass foreign service- which is way lot harder than otp, i think.

i need prayers.

stupidity and curiosity killed the cat

2006-10-14T10:25:50Z

every acttion has an equal and opposite reaction.

~sigh~ im getting ready to face the consequences of my actions.

this is what you get when you go such great lengths just to satisfy your curiosity.

where did this come from?

2006-09-22T11:47:38Z

iesel, you're single because you don't want to get hurt

Ever heard the expression, "Once bitten, twice shy?" You can probably relate to this, can't you? Your last relationship may have left you a little raw in emotions, and the memories are likely still fresh in your mind. Fresher than you can sometimes believe. With a hurt like that, you're probably not so eager to enter the drama again — and we can't say that we blame you. You may be so afraid of getting hurt that you take things to heart big-time when you're involved with someone — after all, you've been hurt before, why can't it happen again? You also may be guilty of comparing potential mates to your ex who may still constantly loom large in your mind.

But maybe, just maybe, it's time to check your baggage at the door and let a new person into your life with a clean slate. You have a lot to offer someone, but you can't do it when you have one foot firmly planted in the past.

HUH?

stupidity killed the cat

2006-09-18T11:14:41Z

and if im a cat, i would have consumed my nine lives.

don't be surprised when you see that my passport picture looks like a mugshot (is it one word or two?)

ps it really hurts when you learn somethings that would have been better if you never did in the first place.

crap. my english is rusty.

im back.

finestra_54 @ 2006-08-20T16:23:00

2006-08-20T08:24:42Z

an idle mind is the devil's workshop.

so true.

i'd better start reading now... "failure is not an option, it's a reality."

wearing a skirt makes you forget/hides the fact that you're getting fat.

i better get myself together: discpline. read. exercise.

book fair's coming up! :)

ps try listening to 'tear you apart' by she wants revenge. can't stop listening to it...

august 18

2006-08-19T07:12:20Z

"where did i go wrong? i lost a friend, somewhere along the bitterness..."

and so i write. thoughts have been stuck in my head for days now. apparently, hearing the last five seconds of the song i've been wanting to hear the whole week induced me to write. you know me, i'd rather type than write. am i making sense? whatever.

love. work. fears. aye, that sums it up.

love
a friend? ____________________________________________
(this portion has been deleted).
no, i'm not in need of a boyfriend.
boyfriends. my officemates and i had this conversation 2 weeks ago. they were told that they should have a boyfriend before they become officers, because they'll be too busy to get one once they started working. i relayed this to the manager of the branch where im having my ojt, and she told me that its not true, for she met her husband while she was working. hmmm...maybe, my fate will be like hers. maybe, maybe not.
"never marry someone whom you love more than he loves you"
huh?

work
working at a bank made me realize how others could have so much while others just have so little. its heartbreaking. i mean you are fully aware that poverty and inequality exists, its just unnerving to actually see/experience this fact. it really makes you wonder on life's complexities. before graduating, i had this want/need/deep feeling of rendering
service to the filipino people. patriotism? nationalism? i want to serve my country, my fellow Filipinos. i want poverty to perish; for our country to flourish. abundance. prosperity. security. equality. i want each Filipino to have their basic needs covered- food, shelter, clothing, education, a stable source of income, healthcare. someday...someday.

fears
pray that i learn what i must, have a better understanding of things, and retain it in my memory for the rest of my life, or at least until i retire.

its been six years

2006-07-19T14:21:30Z

To where you are

Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be (? )
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
’cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

for i am a drama queen

2006-07-09T10:22:06Z

all things aside...

sometimes its better that you don't know.

-sigh-

finestra_54 @ 2006-06-23T22:20:00

2006-06-23T14:20:43Z

thank you God.

75.31

finestra_54 @ 2006-06-22T21:08:00

2006-06-22T13:09:59Z

lighten up!
10:10 am

14th floor

crap. this is what you get when you let things get to you. when you depend on other people too much. when you waste time, take things lightly, dily-dally, go out of focus- taking a wrong turn off the yellow brick road.

it sucks. big time.

now is the time when i worry that i won't make it. shit. my exam was a mess, a result of a month's hibernation. its crappy, its true; it sucks. my essay was like written by a nine year old kid who sat-in our lectures while playing with his set of little penguins that goes up and down a battery operated escalator- all lined up, going down towards a blue pool made out of plastic and paper

it sucks. i was really sleepy, a clear indication that im not thinking straight. who the hell would feel sleepy as she answer questions on banking laws, negotiable instruments, clearing, loans, appraisal, FCDU, anmti-money laundering, and accounting. for crying out loud! ACCOUNTING! for pete's sake! who else but me? i who slept through my Middle East Area Studies, NorthEast Asia Area Studies, and US History finals. me, myself, and Iesel. go ahead, shoot me in the head.

and now here i am, sulking, drowning on life's intricacies, as i sat by the far end column of the third row, side by side with a wooden divider, torn between reading and writing.

and yet again, i am thirsty. i want to learn, to excell. i am now enjoying what im doing, and yet, the foreboding shadow of failure is lurking nearby, ready to render me helpless.

------

rumor has it that results will be ready by tom.

i need prayers.